David* and I had been friends for years, but the timing was never right for us to explore a romantic relationship. There was always a hint of attraction between us, and we often shared subtle flirts at social events. Recently single, David invited me on a weekend trip together. After accepting, he confessed that he had always harbored feelings for me. I was thrilled about the potential for romance and eager to see where things could go between us.
After a romantic dinner, we retreated to our hotel suite and began kissing. Typically, there is a certain enchantment in the first kiss with someone new. However, instead of feeling that magic, I was consumed by nerves. My thoughts were filled with potential awkward situations, making it difficult for my body to fully respond. I couldn't escape my worries, and as a result, I couldn't fully enjoy the moment.
I am typically not someone who experiences performance anxiety, but I found myself struggling with a common challenge in sexual encounters: feeling weighed down by unspoken expectations.
If this had been a regular first date, I wouldn't have had these expectations. Maybe we would have gone back to my date's place, kissed for a little while, and only taken things further if my body was fully into it. There's less pressure on a first date—I can leave whenever I feel like it.
But this was not your typical first date. It was the start of a four-day weekend trip that he had generously paid for. I couldn't simply walk out and go home — we were already committed to spending this time together.
Back when I was younger, I might have just gone through with it and ignored the discomfort, maybe even mentally separating myself from the situation. (Let's be real here—who hasn't done that before?)
But being sexually empowered does not equate to having more sexual encounters. True empowerment lies in the ability to confidently say "YES" to what you desire and "NO" to what you don't want. Despite my mental desire, my body was not responding to David's advances, leaving me conflicted and frustrated in my own sexual agency.
This issue is especially common in long-term relationships. We tend to feel that because we have already granted our partner such intimate access to our bodies, they should automatically continue to have it. Mentally, we may desire more sexual activity with them, but the burden of expectations can hinder our physical desires.
How can we free ourselves from this burden? By taking back the access to our bodies and outlining boundaries about what we can and cannot do with each other. Escalation in any intimate scenario doesn’t need to be guaranteed. Think of increased access to your body as something that should be earned, just as it would need to be earned at the beginning of a relationship.
When my husband and I are fooling around, I often say, “Do not touch my pussy until I am begging you to.” Establishing this boundary not only allows me to retain control over my own body but also preserves a sense of “new relationship energy” between us. This boundary creates an object of tension to push against.
As I lay in the hotel room with David, I came to the realization that I needed to let go of all expectations and just focus on enjoying the moment. To add a sense of excitement and playfulness, I suggested we turn it into a game. I blindfolded myself and used only my hands to explore his body, while he had to simply receive my touch without being able to reciprocate. And for added anticipation, we both kept our underwear on.
With the boundaries firmly in place, I regained a sense of control over my body. Without the distraction of sight, my focus shifted entirely to my tactile senses, grounding me in the present moment. The worries and uncertainties about what would come next melted away as I focused on each millimeter of skin-to-skin contact. Our decision to keep a thin barrier between us created a space for the electric energy to intensify and grow.
When we confidently assert our boundaries in every moment, we unlock a sense of true empowerment. It's not just about the physical act of sex, but the complete presence in each experience. By shedding our self-imposed constraints and embracing the liberty to explore on our own terms, we open ourselves up to more fulfilling and gratifying moments of intimacy.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
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