Make Your Own Relationship Rules

Most of us have grown up with a particular map of how love should look—a straight line of milestones: dating, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, having kids. This model is sometimes called the “relationship escalator”—and while it works beautifully for many, it’s not the only way to experience deep, meaningful connection.

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The truth is, love doesn’t have to follow a script.

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If you’ve ever felt like you were building something beautiful with someone, but it didn’t quite fit the mold of what society says a relationship should be, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing it wrong.

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The Non-Escalator Relationship Menu invites us to rethink what’s possible in love, intimacy, and connection. It’s not about rebelling against tradition for the sake of it—it’s about honoring the unique shape of your heart and the relationships that matter to you.

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Here’s how this menu can support you in co-creating relationships that feel aligned, expansive, and true:

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1. Customization
This menu is an invitation to ask: What do I actually want from a relationship? Not what I was told to want. Not what I see in movies. Just—what matters to me? It helps you identify the values, experiences, and connection points that resonate most with you.

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2. Communication
Sometimes we don’t realize how different our relationship assumptions are until we talk about them. This menu is a tool for starting open, heart-centered conversations with a partner (or partners), so you can discover shared values and navigate differences with clarity and compassion.

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3. Flexibility
Unlike the one-way track of the relationship escalator, this approach embraces fluidity. It honors the reality that relationships evolve, and that growth doesn’t always look like “the next step.” It gives you permission to reimagine love on your own timeline, in your own way.

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4. Embracing Diverse Paths
There is no universal formula for a fulfilling relationship. This menu celebrates the many forms connection can take—romantic, platonic, sexual, queer, kinky, co-parenting, solo-poly, deeply spiritual, or all of the above. It’s about choosing what’s nourishing for you.

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5. Empowerment
At its core, this is about agency. About saying yes on purpose. About defining success not by someone else’s checklist, but by your own truth. When you design your relationships with intention, you reclaim the power to love—and live—authentically.

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Note: I am not the original creator of the Non-Escalator Relationship Menu. It’s been shared and adapted so widely in our communities that I don’t know who first wrote it—but I honor their contribution, and I’m grateful for the clarity and possibilities it continues to offer.