The Most Wonderful Drug of All
- Cat Ferris
- Dec 26, 2025
- 5 min read
There is a particular kind of intoxication that doesn’t come in a bottle or a bag.
It comes in a text message.
In the way your heart jumps when you see a name on your screen.
In the electric certainty that this—this connection—might change everything.
We call it New Relationship Energy.
And if I’m being honest?
It may be the most wonderful drug of all.
The High Is Real (And So Is the Chemistry)
New Relationship Energy isn’t poetic exaggeration—it’s a full-blown neurochemical event.
In the early stages of attraction, the brain floods with powerful chemicals designed to bond, motivate, and focus us on one person:
Dopamine – the reward chemical that fuels craving, motivation, and fixation
Norepinephrine – heightens alertness, excitement, and that buzzy, slightly anxious edge
Phenylethylamine (PEA) – associated with euphoria, obsession, and infatuation
Oxytocin – the bonding hormone released through touch, intimacy, and emotional closeness
Together, these create a state that looks—neurologically—very similar to being on a stimulant.
Which explains a lot.
Why sleep feels optional.
Why food loses its appeal.
Why your thoughts keep looping back to one person.
NRE feels magical because, in many ways, it is.
But it is also temporary.
The Part No One Warned Us About
On average, New Relationship Energy lasts about 12 to 18 months.
Sometimes less.
Occasionally longer.
It can be extended when:
Partners are long-distance
Time together is limited or highly intentional
There’s novelty, secrecy, or high emotional intensity
Daily logistics haven’t yet entered the picture
But eventually—almost without exception—the brain adapts.
And here’s something we don’t say often enough:
It would be completely unfeasible to feel this way forever.
I remember being deep in the throes of NRE once—wired, euphoric, barely sleeping—and having the very sober thought: If my brain doesn’t settle down soon, I’m going to have an aneurysm.
That wasn’t romance failing.
That was my nervous system begging for regulation.
NRE is exhilarating precisely because it is unsustainable. The body simply cannot live in that state indefinitely without burning out.
So eventually—inevitably—the brain adapts.
The chemical flood slows.
The high evens out.
When NRE Softens, Something Else Emerges
This is the moment where many people quietly panic.
Because what comes next doesn’t feel like fireworks.
It feels like calm.
Like familiarity.
Like exhale.
This phase is often called Established Relationship Energy (ERE)—and it deserves far more reverence than it gets.
ERE is the energy of:
Feeling safe enough to rest
Letting your guard down
Being known without performing
Building something that doesn’t rely on adrenaline
ERE isn’t lesser love.
It’s different love.
But because we live in a culture that romanticizes intensity, we’re rarely taught how to recognize ERE as intimacy rather than stagnation.
When the High Wears Off, Desire Often Does Too
Here’s one of the most misunderstood transitions in relationships:
As NRE fades, something else often fades with it.
Desire.
Especially in long-term relationships.
Not because attraction is gone.
Not because love has failed.
Not because anyone did something wrong.
But because desire that was once chemically fueled now needs to be consciously cultivated.
What once felt effortless now asks for presence.
What once felt spontaneous now asks for intention.
What once happened automatically now asks to be chosen.
Without context, this can feel like loss—or boredom—or betrayal.
When NRE Becomes the Only Thing That Feels Like Desire
Here’s a harder truth—one we don’t talk about enough.
For some people, NRE itself becomes addictive.
They don’t necessarily realize it. They just notice a familiar pattern:
Intense beginnings
Rapid bonding
Passion that feels consuming
And then… disengagement when the intensity fades
They may end relationships around the same point every time.
They may describe partners as “perfect at first” but “not exciting anymore.”
They may genuinely believe they just haven’t found the right person.
But what they’re often responding to isn’t incompatibility.
It’s withdrawal from the drug.
A Note on Fraysexuality
This is also where it’s important to name fraysexuality.
Fraysexual people tend to experience strong sexual attraction before emotional closeness forms—and often feel that attraction diminish as emotional intimacy deepens.
This isn’t dysfunction.
It isn’t immaturity.
And it isn’t an inability to love.
But when fraysexuality goes unnamed, it can look like chronic dissatisfaction, serial relationships, or the belief that long-term desire is impossible.
Language matters.
Because when people understand their wiring, they stop blaming themselves—and their partners.
ADHD, Dopamine, and the Chase
I want to name one more layer that matters.
As someone with ADHD, I know how seductive NRE can be.
ADHD brains are already wired to seek dopamine. So when NRE hits, it doesn’t just feel pleasurable—it feels regulating.
Suddenly there’s focus.
Motivation.
Aliveness.
And if you don’t understand that dynamic, it’s easy to confuse neurological stimulation with love—and withdrawal with loss.
Learning the difference can change everything.
The Question That Actually Matters
The question isn't necessarily:
“How do we get the spark back?”
The real question is:
“What actually fuels my desire once the drug is gone?”
This is where core desires come in.
Core Desires: The Flame Beneath the High
Core desires are the deeper, organizing themes that make intimacy feel alive after New Relationship Energy fades.
They aren’t positions.
They aren’t novelty hacks.
They aren’t about recreating the beginning.
They’re about understanding the why beneath your wanting.
Over time, I’ve found that most desire tends to organize around a few core pathways:
🔥 | 💗 | ✨ | 👑 |
Fueled by intensity, polarity, urgency, and physical charge. | Fueled by devotion, longing, emotional attunement, and being chosen. | Fueled by transcendence, meaning, slowness, and soulful connection. | Fueled by dominance, surrender, psychological edge, and erotic polarity. |
During NRE, almost everyone feels all of these at once—because chemistry is doing the work for you.
But once the high fades, the truth emerges.
And when core desires are unmet or unnamed, desire doesn’t disappear.
It goes underground.
Why Desire “Dies” in Long-Term Relationships
In Established Relationship Energy, safety increases.
But without desire literacy, eroticism often fades.
People stop initiating.
They fantasize privately.
They develop crushes.
They assume something is wrong with them—or their partner.
In reality, the relationship has stabilized…but no one has learned how to eroticize that phase.
ERE provides safety.
Core desires provide heat.
You need both.
From Chasing Chemistry to Cultivating Desire
People who chase NRE aren’t broken.
They’re often disconnected from their core desires.
They rely on chemistry to feel alive because they’ve never been taught how to generate desire intentionally—through communication, attunement, and self-knowledge.
When people learn their core desires, something profound shifts:
Desire becomes intentional, not accidental
Attraction becomes co-created, not chased
Relationships stop living or dying by chemistry alone
The Real Magic Comes Later
I don’t think New Relationship Energy is bad.
I think it’s a gift.
It opens doors.
It reminds us what’s possible.
It wakes us up.
But it was never meant to be the foundation of a lifetime.
The most enduring desire I’ve known—personally and professionally—has come not from chasing the high, but from understanding what sustains intimacy once the chemistry settles.
That love may not feel like fireworks.
But it is warm.
It is embodied.
And it lasts.
From Chemistry to Choice
If NRE has been the only place you’ve ever felt truly alive in love, I want you to hear this gently:
You are not broken.
You are not too much.
And you are not doomed to lose desire over time.
But you may be longing for intimacy that speaks your core desires—rather than relying on a chemical high to do the work for you.
When you understand what actually fuels your wanting, desire stops being something you chase…
…and starts being something you cultivate.
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