Why the Slow Burn Might Be the Real Spark

(Inspired by The IKEA Effect in Dating, Psychology Today)

I recently read a Psychology Today article about the “IKEA effect” in dating—the idea that we place more value on the relationships we invest in, not necessarily the ones that start with fireworks. Just like that wobbly IKEA shelf you spent four hours assembling by hand, sometimes it’s the effort that creates the meaning.

It got me thinking about how this shows up in my own life—especially when it comes to attraction.

I’ve never been great at playing hard to get. Not because I don’t understand the psychology (I’m literally a relationship and intimacy coach), but because I’m neurodivergent. I don’t have much of a poker face, and I definitely don’t have much impulse control. When I feel something, I show it. When I want something, I say it.

Subtle flirtation isn’t really my thing.

And yet—some of my deepest and most enduring relationships have come not from that immediate, electric spark... but from something more gradual. More grounded. A slow burn.

Take my husband, for instance. There wasn’t a cinematic “love at first sight” moment. We got to know each other over time—through easy conversations, shared experiences, and lots of laughter. And as the connection deepened, so did the attraction. That unfolding—layer by layer—is what ultimately created the intimacy and desire I now cherish.

Looking back, this has happened with other people too—folks I might not have considered “available” at first, or who didn’t check all the typical boxes. But something in me stayed open. Curious. And that curiosity turned into connection.

In contrast, when I feel immediate chemistry with someone, it’s often harder to keep my footing. I can lose myself in the fantasy. Rush ahead of reality. And even though I know better—I still have to stop and coach myself through it.

Because as much as we crave excitement, real connection asks us to pace with presence. To let someone reveal themselves over time. To stay rooted in our own energy even as desire flickers.

Attraction is not a mandate. It’s just a signal. And not every signal needs a sprint.

The IKEA effect reminds us: we fall hardest for what we build. And sometimes that slow burn becomes the fire that never goes out.

✨ So here’s your reminder: Stay curious. Attraction might be the spark—but curiosity is what keeps the fire lit. 🔥