Empathy is one of those beautiful, aspirational qualities we all strive for—until we actually need to practice it with the person we love most. In friendships, in passing interactions, even in professional settings, it can be easier to offer a listening ear, a validating nod, or a compassionate word. But in our most intimate relationships? Empathy can feel like the hardest thing to give.
I know this firsthand because empathy toward my husband has been one of my biggest growing edges in our relationship.
I’m practically notorious in my family for my lack of filter—if a thought pops into my head, it tends to come right out of my mouth. And while I never mean to be harsh, the words that tumble out don’t always land the way I intended.
So when my husband expresses hurt feelings, my knee-jerk reaction isn’t always empathy. Instead, I get defensive. Not in an aggressive, combative way—but in an explain-myself-until-I’m-blue-in-the-face way. In my mind, I’m thinking:
"Oh, if I can just explain what I really meant, then he’ll understand my intentions better, and the hurt feelings will go away."
But that’s not how emotional pain works. Wounds don’t magically disappear with logic. They need tending. And I’ve had to learn (the hard way) that no matter how valid my explanation might be, it doesn’t erase the initial hurt.
Emotional Landmines: The Hidden Traps of Intimacy
Relationships are where our deepest wounds surface. Whether it’s old childhood patterns, past relationship betrayals, or the fear of not being enough, our emotional triggers get tangled up with the way we interpret our partner’s words and actions. So instead of responding with empathy when our partner is upset, we often respond with defense.
When they feel unheard, we feel accused of not listening.
When they feel rejected, we feel blamed for not doing enough.
When they feel overwhelmed, we feel like they’re saying we’re the problem.
It’s a reflex. Their pain touches something unresolved in us, and before we even realize it, we’re caught in a cycle of reactivity instead of receptivity.
The Paradox of Love: The Closer We Are, The Harder It Feels
The deeper the intimacy, the more vulnerable we are. It’s easy to extend empathy when there’s emotional distance—when a friend vents about their stressful day, we don’t feel personally responsible for it. But when it’s our partner, their pain can feel like a mirror reflecting our shortcomings, or worse, an indictment of our love.
We don’t just want to listen; we want to fix, to defend, to protect ourselves from blame. And ironically, in trying to protect ourselves, we shut down the very thing that builds connection: witnessing our partner’s pain without making it about us.
How to Choose Empathy Instead of Defense
The good news? This cycle isn’t inevitable. With awareness and intention, we can train ourselves to move toward empathy, even in moments of deep discomfort.
1. Pause Before Reacting
Before jumping to a defensive response, take a breath. Ask yourself: Am I reacting to their pain or to my own emotional trigger? Slowing down creates space for empathy.
2. Acknowledge, Don’t Argue
Instead of immediately explaining, justifying, or trying to fix the issue, start with acknowledgment.
“I hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
“It sounds like you’re really hurt right now.”
“I can see why that would be upsetting.”
This doesn’t mean you agree or take blame—it means you’re recognizing their experience as valid.
For me, this was a huge shift. I had to learn that when my husband said, “That hurt my feelings,” the best response wasn’t “That’s not what I meant.” It was “I’m so sorry that hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.”
3. Remember: Their Feelings Aren’t About Your Worth
It’s easy to take our partner’s pain personally, but their emotions don’t define us. If they’re feeling lonely, it doesn’t mean we’re failing as a partner. If they’re frustrated, it doesn’t mean we’re not enough. When we remember that their emotions are theirs, we can stay present without feeling like we need to defend ourselves.
4. Get Curious Instead of Combative
Shift from “How do I prove my point?” to “How do I understand what’s happening for them?” Ask open-ended questions:
“What’s the hardest part of this for you?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
“Can you help me understand what you’re feeling?”
Curiosity softens defensiveness and brings you closer.
5. Repair When You Get It Wrong
Even with the best intentions, we all get defensive sometimes. The key is to circle back: “I think I got defensive earlier, and I really want to understand where you’re coming from.” That willingness to try again is often more powerful than getting it perfect in the moment.
Empathy as a Practice, Not a Perfection
Empathy in relationships isn’t about never getting triggered—it’s about learning to recognize when we are and choosing to lean in anyway. It’s about training our nervous system to see our partner’s pain as an invitation for connection, not a call to arms.
When we can do that—when we can stay open even when it’s hard—our relationships become places of deep healing instead of emotional battlegrounds.
And that? That’s where real intimacy begins.
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