The Marital Advice Worth Ignoring

I remember on my wedding day, my father-in-law offering what he considered timeless marital wisdom:

“Don’t ever go to bed angry.”

It’s a phrase that gets passed down like a family heirloom—repeated so often that most of us never stop to question it. On the surface, it sounds noble. Who wouldn’t want to resolve things quickly and fall asleep hand-in-hand, hearts at peace?

But here’s the truth: that advice can be terrible for your relationship.

When conflict arises, most of us don’t need to “fix it before bed.” We need to calm our nervous systems. Because when we’re flooded—when our hearts are racing and our thoughts are spiraling—we can’t connect productively. Our brains go into survival mode. The more we try to push through the discomfort and “talk it out,” the more likely we are to say things we don’t mean or double down on defensiveness.

Real repair doesn’t happen when you’re both spinning in that state. It happens when at least one of you has taken a breath, found your footing, and can come back to the table with empathy.

That's why when it comes to relationship repair, the first thing I recommend is checking your nervous system. You can’t repair from a state of activation; you can only repair from a place of presence. Sometimes that means taking a walk. Sometimes it means sleeping on it and revisiting the conversation the next day.

Empathy—the true balm for relational conflict—can’t be forced. It blooms naturally once you feel safe again in your body. Only then can you actually hear your partner instead of preparing your next defense.

So if you ever find yourself in a late-night argument, exhausted and frustrated, trying to “fix it before bed” because that’s what good couples are supposed to do… don’t.

Take the space you need. Let your body settle. Trust that stepping away doesn’t mean giving up—it means giving each other a fighting chance to reconnect with compassion instead of cortisol.

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for your relationship isn’t to stay up until everything’s resolved.It’s to say, “I love you. I’m too activated to keep talking right now. Let’s rest and try again in the morning.”

That’s not avoidance. That’s maturity.

And it’s the kind of advice worth keeping.