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Exploring Darker Desires

Content Warning: this essay mentions sensitive topics including incest, age play, and rape.

"The erotic mind is not rational, nor is it politically correct"

A recent encounter with a playmate has reinforced a fundamental truth of the erotic mind: it is not bound by reason or social correctness. It operates on a primal level, guided by instinctual urges and subconscious associations that may challenge traditional norms and expectations.

During an intimate moment with this partner, enveloped in the warmth of his embrace, I found myself repeatedly wanting to say out loud, "I want you to be my Daddy." This was an unexpected declaration, because although I often teased him for embodying "Zaddy" vibes—an affectionate term that connotes a certain mature, confident, and attractive masculinity. Yet, in all of our many sexual encounters together, I have never called him "Daddy" before.

Not wanting to surprise him in the heat of the moment, I pulled back momentarily to ask for his consent to be called "Daddy". He was unbothered by the term and we quickly returned to our physical intimacy, allowing the organic flow of our desires to guide us.

As he held me tightly in his arms, I let myself sink deeper into my being, allowing my inner child to emerge. I felt like I was five or six years old again, envisioning myself with giant bows in my hair and long ribbons woven into my delicately curled tresses. Though I felt very small, I also felt safe. I imagined sitting on his lap, wrapped in a big bear hug, and I wanted to keep saying, "I love you, Daddy."

Now this was going to introduce two new milestones: saying “I love you” AND introducing the element of age play. I had to pause, reflect, and seek consent. Would he be willing to explore declarations of love and age play within the container of a scene? It's an uncomfortable dynamic to navigate. We agreed that I didn’t need explicit verbal role play; I needed us to energetically embody the roles of Daddy and Little Girl. With his understanding and supportive touch, the fantasy could unfold entirely in my mind. Once he gave the green light, we resumed the breathwork and sank deeper into the experience.

Knowing that I had not only his consent, but also his acceptance, I sank deeper into my body. And my inner child was given the space to explore her needs. And here is where it starts to take a darker turn:

I wanted him to violate me. I wanted him to do things to my inner child that my rational mind isn’t even comfortable typing out.

Dizzy with excitement and confusion, I once again needed to pause and reflect. What could this possibly mean?

Those who have looked for pornography on the internet know all too well the prevalence of incestuous content. The allure of these forbidden desires is unmistakable, evidenced by their popularity among viewers. However, it should be noted that most people who are aroused by such thoughts do not actually want to engage in sexual activity with their family members. Rather, they find pleasure in exploring these taboo scenarios from a safe distance.

Likewise, the prevalence of Consensual Non-Consent fantasies should not be equated to a desire for actual rape among women. This particular fantasy is not uncommon, yet it is important to recognize that it is a fantasy and does not reflect one's true desires or consent in real life situations. It can be a complex exploration of power dynamics and control, but it is crucial to always prioritize and respect boundaries and consent in all sexual interactions.

And let me make this perfectly clear: although my erotic mind was aroused by my inner child being molested by a father figure - I in no way support or condone any violation against children.

My logical, mature self should have been repulsed by the vivid scene playing out in my mind.

However, instead of letting shame hinder me, I embraced the moment and allowed myself to fully experience it. What was the emotion that I craved?

My heart yearned to be embraced and sheltered, to be absolved of any sexual responsibility or guilt. I craved the full spectrum of love and sexuality, but without having to take the lead or initiate any actions. I simply wanted to surrender myself to the overwhelming sensations, to have every desire and need fulfilled without lifting a finger.

In order to truly grow and learn, it is crucial to embrace curiosity and allow for exploration. Instead of pushing these thoughts away, I embraced them with an open heart and an open mind. Through this process, I was able to uncover the parts of myself that were in need of love and healing, leading to profound personal growth and understanding. It felt like peeling back the layers of an onion, each discovery revealing a deeper truth about myself and my journey towards self-discovery. 🖤


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