In Defense of Monogamy (and How to Make It Healthy)

I’ll be the first to admit — I haven’t always been a fan of monogamy.

In my experience, it often seemed to be built on a foundation of white lies: pretending not to notice attraction, biting your tongue instead of telling the truth, and managing jealousy through control instead of conversation. For years, I told myself monogamy just wasn’t for me.

And yet, my work as a coach has taught me something surprising: monogamy itself isn’t the problem. It’s the way we do it.

I’m not one of those people who believes polyamory is somehow more “evolved” than monogamy — I don’t. Every relationship structure comes with its own challenges and growth edges. But being polyamorous has given me certain skills that translate beautifully into my work as an intimacy coach.

Polyamory demands radical honesty, clear communication, and emotional regulation. It means learning to face jealousy head-on, soothe your own insecurities, and express needs directly rather than through control or avoidance. Those same skills are what make monogamy healthy, too.

Monogamy can be beautiful when it’s practiced as a choice, not a default. When partners commit not just to each other, but to ongoing honesty, curiosity, and self-awareness. When they choose connection over control.

So if you’re choosing a monogamous relationship, or hoping to heal one that’s grown stagnant, here’s what it takes to make it truly healthy.

1️⃣ Define What “Faithful” Actually Means

Most couples never talk about what fidelity means — they just assume they’re on the same page.

But fidelity isn’t one-size-fits-all. For some, it’s strictly sexual exclusivity. For others, emotional boundaries matter more. Some couples are fine with porn, others aren’t. The point isn’t to follow someone else’s rulebook — it’s to write your own.

A simple but powerful question:

“When you say you want us to be faithful to each other, what does that look like to you?”

Healthy monogamy starts with shared definitions, not assumptions.

2️⃣ Tell the Truth About Attraction

Attraction doesn’t vanish when you fall in love. Pretending it does only creates shame and secrecy.

You can acknowledge attraction without acting on it. In fact, being able to say, “Wow, that person is beautiful,” and knowing your partner won’t crumble — that’s real trust.

Healthy monogamy doesn’t mean denying desire. It means holding desire with integrity and staying connected through honesty.

3️⃣ Stop Trying to Control — Learn to Regulate

Many people try to feel safe in love by controlling their partner’s behavior: who they text, what they wear, who they spend time with.

Control might ease anxiety in the short term, but it erodes trust in the long run.

Instead, pause and ask yourself what’s underneath the fear.

What is your body really asking for — reassurance? closeness? acknowledgment?

Then practice saying, “When you do ____, I feel anxious. Could you reassure me by ____?”

That shift — from control to vulnerability — is the difference between fragile love and resilient love.

4️⃣ Don’t Avoid Jealousy — Work Through It

Jealousy isn’t a moral failure. It’s a message.

It shows us where our insecurities live and where we need healing or reassurance. Healthy monogamy doesn’t mean never feeling jealous; it means being willing to unpack jealousy together with compassion.

Ask:

• “What story am I telling myself right now?”

• “What need is being stirred up?”

• “What would help me feel safer?”

  
  

When jealousy becomes a conversation rather than a crime scene, it deepens trust instead of breaking it.

5️⃣ Keep Updating the Agreement

Relationships aren’t static. Jobs change. Bodies change. Desires evolve.

What worked for you two years ago might not work now — and that’s okay. Schedule regular check-ins about your relationship itself:

“Are our boundaries still working for us?”“Do you feel seen?”“Do you feel free?”

Monogamy should be a living, breathing agreement — not a dusty contract you signed once and forgot.

6️⃣ Choose Monogamy, Don’t Default to It

The healthiest monogamy is conscious monogamy — chosen, not inherited.

When you choose monogamy because it aligns with your values and your growth, it becomes sacred, not stifling. It’s not about limiting your freedom; it’s about intentionally channeling it.

Healthy monogamy sounds like this:

“I could be free with anyone, but I choose to be free with you.”

Whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, the foundation is the same: emotional honesty, nervous-system awareness, and co-created agreements.

If you and your partner are ready to strengthen your connection, I’d love to help you deepen your communication and rekindle your spark. My Igniting Intimacy package is designed for couples who want to reconnect with presence, honesty, and pleasure — together.