Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex? Science Says Yes.

I’ve always (or at least most of the time) stayed friends with my exes.

It’s not because I’m a glutton for punishment or secretly hoping to rekindle something. It’s just that, to me, love doesn’t have to die for a relationship to change shape.

When my ex-husband and I got divorced, for example, it was one of the most amicable splits imaginable. We had actually planned to go out for dinner afterward. The only reason we didn’t stay friends is because his new girlfriend said it would make her uncomfortable. And I get it — I really do. But it still made me sad, because our friendship was genuine.

Maybe part of it is just my wiring. I joke that because of my ADHD, I can’t hold a grudge — I forget what I was mad about halfway through. 😅

But maybe it also runs in the family.

My parents, for all their imperfections, stayed friends after they divorced. And I’m so grateful for that example. When my mom got remarried, my dad was the last person they had to pull off the dance floor at the reception.

They might not have done everything right, but they showed me something profound: endings don’t have to be cruel. Love can shift forms and still remain kind.

So maybe it’s no surprise that I’ve never seen the point of cutting someone out of my life just because the romantic or sexual part ended.

In fact, I tend to see it as a good sign when someone I date is also friendly with their exes. It usually means they’ve learned to end things with integrity and compassion, rather than bitterness or avoidance.

And yet, if you’ve spent any time in those infamous “relationship advice” groups on Facebook (you know the ones), you’ll find post after post warning that staying friends with an ex is a “red flag” — or worse, a sure sign of narcissism.

But here’s the thing: there’s actual research on this topic, and the truth is way more nuanced (and hopeful) than the clickbait headlines would have you believe.

What the research really found

In 2016, psychologist Dr. Justin Mogilski and Dr. Lisa Welling published a study titled “Staying friends with an ex: Sex and dark personality traits predict motivations for post-relationship friendship.”

The headlines went wild.

“People who stay friends with their exes are psychopaths!”

But that’s not what the study said.

What it actually found is that people stay friends with exes for lots of different reasons — some healthy, some not.

Participants mentioned things like:

• 💬 “We share history and trust.”

• 💰 “They’re reliable or helpful.”

• 🔥 “The sex was good.”

  
  

When researchers looked at personality traits, they found that people who scored higher on manipulative or self-serving traits were more likely to rate practical or sexual reasons as important.

But for everyone else, the most common reason — by far — was emotional connection and mutual respect.

So, no: being friends with your ex doesn’t make you a psychopath. It depends on why you’re friends.

When it’s a green flag

Friendship with an ex can actually show:

✅ Emotional maturity — you can honor your past without living in it.

✅ Secure attachment — you don’t need to cut someone off to move forward.

✅ Respect for history — you recognize that intimacy can evolve, not evaporate.

In my coaching practice, I often remind people that love can change shape. A breakup doesn’t have to erase connection; sometimes it just redefines it.

If two people can keep healthy boundaries, wish each other well, and genuinely move on — that’s growth.

When it’s a red flag

Of course, not all “friendships” are created equal.If one person is hanging around for emotional backup, or using the friendship to maintain control or access, that’s different.

Ask yourself:

• Does this friendship make you feel calm or anxious?

• Is it rooted in mutual respect or hidden motives?

• Would your current partner feel safe knowing the full truth of your contact?

  
  

If the answers feel fuzzy, it’s worth checking your boundaries.

What we can learn from queer communities

Here’s something interesting: in many queer communities, being friends with an ex isn’t just normal — it’s expected.

Writers and researchers have noted that LGBTQ+ people tend to stay friends with their exes more often than straight people do. Why? Partly because those social circles are smaller and more interconnected — but also because there’s less pressure to treat breakups as “failure.”

In queer culture, it’s often understood that a relationship can evolve rather than end. You can release the romance and still hold onto love, respect, and shared community.

And that’s worth paying attention to.

If entire communities can normalize staying friends with exes — and do so in ways that are caring, healthy, and secure — then maybe the panic over ex-friendships in straight relationships says more about our conditioning than about danger.

Straight dating culture has long equated exclusivity with safety and possession with love. But what if that story is outdated? What if being friends with your ex is just proof that kindness and closure can coexist?

A gentle word for the new partner

If you’re dating someone who’s still friends with their ex, take a breath.

It doesn’t automatically mean you’re competing with a ghost.

Sometimes, those friendships exist because both people did the work — they processed their emotions, forgave each other, and decided that the bond they shared was worth transforming rather than discarding.

That’s not a threat. It’s a sign that your partner is capable of maintaining connection with grace.

Here’s a reframe that might help:

• Your partner’s ability to stay kind toward their ex is practice for how they’ll treat you if things ever get hard.

• Someone who can stay friends with an ex has likely learned to communicate, take accountability, and self-regulate.

• You don’t need to see their past as competition. You can see it as proof of capacity.

  
  

If anything, a person who can hold both gratitude and closure may actually bring more emotional safety to their new relationship — not less.

Why this matters

We live in a culture that treats breakups as total erasures — as if connection only counts when it’s romantic or sexual. But healthy love doesn’t need to end in war.

It’s possible to outgrow someone without resenting them.

It’s possible to grieve the loss of romance and still cherish the friendship.

It’s possible to love people for the chapter they belonged to, without needing to burn the book.

Part of what I do as a Relationship Coach is help people notice how they connect — not just who they connect with. Whether you choose to stay friends with an ex or not, what matters most is that your choice feels aligned, embodied, and honest.

If you’re unsure how to navigate boundaries, or if you’re being shamed for wanting to maintain a friendship with someone from your past, that’s a beautiful area for exploration in coaching.

Because healthy love isn’t about cutting people off.

It’s about learning to stay open — safely.

So the next time someone says,

“You’re still friends with your ex?!”

You can smile and say,

“Yes. Because we both grew up.”